THE GOLDEN RULE: RESPECT vs AVOIDANCE BEHAVIOUR

"He who wants a rose must respect the thorn.” Persian Proverb quotes 

What is respect?

1. Respect means showing regard and appreciation for the worth of someone or something (this includes answering the damn phone or SMS and not practicing avoidance)
2. It means honor and esteem
3. It includes respect for self, respect for the rights and dignity of all persons, and respect for the environment that sustains life.
4. Respect keeps us from hurting what we ought to value.

It is felt that respect is a two way street. If you give respect, you get it. Sometimes this law is broken. 

What is Avoidance Behaviour?

A conscious or unconscious defense mechanism by which a person tries to escape from unpleasant situations or feelings, such as anxiety and pain.

The reason this topic is so important is that those who practice avoidance behaviors can ruin everything they have by not beating the urge to avoid. I’ve learned a very important lesson over the past weekend. Relationships (family, friends etc) are very fragile and it doesn't take long for the one who avoids dealing with relationship problems to make big problems with the ones we care the most about. Furthermore, it's amazing how little there's written about this issue. When you find some tips they are often about either CBT, e.g. challenging yourself to express your feelings/opinions, saying no, or about learning and getting an adequate attitude towards conflicts e.g. “you can't erase conflicts, they are a natural part of life” If we avoid problems in our relationships, time can make the difficulties so difficult to overcome that one may decide to just get out of the relationship instead of trying to repair it. 

Treatment for Avoidance Behaviour

If you feel yourself beginning to avoid problems in your relationships, find a counselor that you can talk to or a close friend and let them help you face your fear. The clearest and I think most practical theoretical approach to understand this concept is Prochaska and DiClemente’s Stages of Change Model

This model along with the theory of attachment provide organizing principles that if combined allow us to understand the reasons why we resist change or seek destructive behaviors, habits, people, and how to find a way of managing relapses with the need for subsequent behavioral changes throughout our lifetimes. Again, if we understand that we are seeking attachment as a way of filling a void, replacing someone or something that feels missing, along with the reality that relapses and behavioral changes are ongoing, not static, never done, existing on a continuum, then we are taking the longer view, which is so necessary to creating and maintaining change. It is the short view where we think if we change a bad habit or destructive behavior then we are done that gets us in trouble, causing us to not be prepared for a relapse when it inevitably occurs.  In conclusion, treat others as you want them to treat you because what goes around comes around.